Why, I Otter!

Also, more animals and the worst beach on Yelp

STICK TO ANIMALS

It’s been way too long since we had an animal edition around these parts, and you know what? That’s on me. It’s not as if the Internet suffers from a lack of cuteness — a surplus of rottenness in many corners, certainly, but there’s always good to be found if you want it.

Case in point: two Japanese otters, Kotaro and Hana, living their best lives on YouTube.

Now, yes. Otters don’t make good pets. You, a rank amateur petsperson, shouldn’t try this. But you also shouldn’t try driving a car out of a flying airplane and I’ll be damned if that’s going to stop me from enjoying Fast & Furious and wanting to do that myself, so I’m going to keep oohing and aahing at the otters, THANK YOU.

Here’s a few more videos, with their English titles included in case only the Japanese titles show up for you.

Kotaro the Otter 6 Awesome Tricks:

Otters Are Upset that Dad is Leaving:

Otter Happy Birthday Cake Surprise Party!:

They’re like little water weasel cats and I want them.

Send this post to your friends, or else you’re otter-ly cruel! No but seriously they’re going to want to see these little squeaky wigglerascals.

STICK TO DOGS

I got to hang out with a Great Dane a few weeks back, and it’s always good to hang out with a Great Dane to remind yourself that yes, these are enormous specimens and they’re probably at least half horse.

But the most impressive thing about a Great Dane probably isn’t the size or big voice — it’s that, despite the reputation as a giant gangly doofus dog, they are absolutely hellacious sprinters:

And the thing of it is, whatever feats and superlatives you see on videos of Great Danes, it’s always more insane in person. They’re like the Wilt Chamberlain of dog breeds. Good dogs.

STICK TO CATS

I’ve been threatened with a “paw-suit” if I do not include Annie Smalls in an animal newsletter. Her “cat-torney” sued me into “bankruptcy” and “grievous financial ruin” for my last mistake. Cats!

Isn’t she pretty? She’s very pretty. She may be “holding a gun to my temple as I write this.” Cats!

Tell me about your cats! Click that gorgeous button below.

STICK TO THE BEACH

There’s a new M. Night Shyamalan movie out, somehow, for some reason, in the Year of our Lord 2021. The premise is ludicrous — there’s a beach where everyone gets a year older after every half-hour? I don’t know, I’ve just seen ads for it during the NBA Playoffs, and wow.

Here’s my take: this mess is 100% all on the parents.

That may sound harsh, but I just feel like a problem like this would have — should have — come up already. Because based on what I’m seeing in this trailer, this beach should have the worst Yelp! reviews of all time.

• “DO NOT VISIT THIS BEACH! Everyone aged extremely quickly, even the kids, so it’s not just an ozone or UV thing. My skin looks god-awful. 5G is spotty at best. 1/5.”

• “Worst. Beach. Ever. My kids found a dead body and then hit puberty in a matter of minutes. I took a nap and missed the last two seasons of Cobra Kai?!?! Would give this -10 out of 5 if I could.”

• “Horrible beach!! Great views but I lost all my hair and then I died of old age! My suddenly elderly daughter is writing this. Not even a CAUTION sign from the local authorities about any of this????”

• “It’s bad enough that the beach is haunted, but not even a haunted bar up the way? Really could have used a pina colada or twelve, you know? Ended up having to swim through a weird underwater portal to leave, would have preferred a path or something. 1/5”

• “WHY IS THERE A GIRL GIVING BIRTH TO BABBY RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME SHE DIDN’T EVEN SHOW UP PRAGENT?!?!?!?!!?! 0/5 HELL NO”

• “AWESOME BEACH!!! The sand is nice and hot, the water is cool, and then I grew a mustache while I was swimming! I was only 11 years old this morning! 4/5, overall a great experience but didn’t much care for the screaming and death. Time to go kiss babes!”

Read the reviews and save your supple skin, people.

STICK TO AFFIRMATIONS

Thanks for joining me today. We’ll always end on a kind word.

2021 is half-over as of this morning, July 1. Isn’t that wild? Time obviously has no meaning anymore but still: we’re already coasting down the other side of this weird-ass year.

If you’ve made a lot of this year already, congratulations! Thriving under pressure and chaos is something you should be proud of yourself for. And if not, don’t let the changing calendar make you panic; if you feel like you’ve barely just gotten your feet under you, or you haven’t gotten there yet, or if your feet have gotten taken out from under you, hey — that’s how life goes sometime, and that’s all right.

The unspoken secret is that “success,” as it’s traditionally identified, depends to some extent on luck and other things outside our control. All we can do is take care of what we can, and sometimes that means taking care of ourselves and asking for help with the rest. It takes strength to ask for help, not weakness. Remember that, and take care.