A Brief and Incomplete Collection of Aliases I Have Considered

You may notice a recurring theme.

STICK TO ART

True art is about taking risks. Accordingly, the most daring art often requires the most daring risks, such to the point that some find themselves willing — nay, compelled — to adopt a nom de plume, an alias in order to convey their truths. Often, it’s as much of a statement as the art itself: subtle, sly, perhaps a bit daring?

Will I ever reach such heights? At this point in my life, unlikely. But that doesn’t mean I can’t think about my hypothetical pseudonym of choice.

Here are just a few.

• Dwayne “The Johnson” Rock

• Girth Brooks

• Vincent Van Grogh

• Alexander The Great-At-Having-Sex

• Carlos Mantana

• Throb Thomas

• Smoooooooth

• Jacques Sträppe

• Sweaty Roosevelt

• Ken Stiffey Jr.

• Ken Stiffey Sr.

• Adam Glandler

• Mike Krzyzyzyzyzewski (pronounced: Mike Sex-Haver)

• Paul A. Poundstone

• Sir Cumference

• Thrustin Timberlake

• Jon Reremy

• Squirt Cobain

• Whorrissey

• Buck Naked

• Terry Nadshaw

• Vinny Testesverde

• LaMelo Balls

• Neil Handstrong

• Hand Solo

• Des Groines

• Wayne Gruntzky

• Emilio Chestevez

• Dave Pornography

  (deep breath)

  

• Bony Danza

• Barry Bones

• Chipper Bones

• Bonin O’Brien

• (The) Bone Ranger

• Claude Bonet

• Bone Loc

• Napoleon Bonerpart

  (exhale)

• Nude Law

• Jim Hairrey

• Ernie Yanks

• Drilliam Shakespeare

• Randy Warhol

• Crankenstein

• Doctor Crankenstein

• Crankenstein’s Monster

• Guy Fieri

Look, we’re all adults here, and doubtless you’ve long known what your adult film alias would be. Feel free to share with your fellow subscribers.

STICK TO AFFIRMATIONS

Thanks for joining me today. We’ll always end on a kind word.

Hello, friends. I hope you’re all well and taking the opportunity to reestablish what your relationship with the outside world is — on your terms, to your best benefit. We certainly had a long time to think about it.

Whatever you want your new “normal” to be, remember that you deserve it, not only because of what we all went through but because you’re a human being, you’re alive in this world and you deserve to enjoy the time you have. Everybody does.

You know what’s best for you, and if you don’t you know the right person to ask. You got this. Have a lovely weekend, friends.